This will be the last blog post for this blog of mine. Wow, this blog has been wif me for a few good years. And I really can't bear to say goodbye to it. I have to say goodbye to it, in order to step into a new future, a new beginning.

Actually, nobody knows tat I've stuggling wif my so-called past tat I don't wanna remember. Sometimes, when I walk alone, I wish I could get into an accident so that I can forget about everything, everyone. Those memories are grabbing to me so tightly that's it hard to breath. Looking back at the 'laughs' I used to had bring me to tears, furthermore, looking back at the 'tears' still made me so upset.

I talked to Val (we talk way too much), and I agreed on giving up on everything single thing tat has to do with my past, every single item tat will remind me of the 'past' have to be discard. She has always been the type of person who can just left the 'past' behind and dash ahead. Sounds cruel, but it's in the blood of ppl who works in the business line, including me. I laughed at her and said, that I'm afraid of becoming her 'past'. She said we are 2 people who shared the same soul, it's hard to get rid of each other.

My past, the countless times of betrayal, empty promises, misunderstanding, conflicts, quarrels; made it so hard for me to believe in anyone, even those whom I seem close with. One misunderstanding, or one promise broke, made me close my heart a little. Even though, I m standing right beside them, I still felt they are miles apart. I start to doubt ppl, which is a habit I hated. Once you start to doubt someone, you will nvr be able to be true friends with that person.

You want the reason(s) I'm leaving you behind?
I will give you some (even though, they will sound very un-reasonable but they are big issues for a in-secure person like me):

-I don't like you looking down on your phone or ipod or watever-devices, when I m talking to you, I don wan replies lyk "Orh, Hmm, ..." This is not my idea of a conversation. I want you to look at me, let me know you are interested in listening. I pick this habit from the business world.

-I cn't stand being the one that shares my joy wif you but don get a reply. And I m tired of reading Facebook status to know how your life has been. I m tired of knowing tat you can make time for all the people in the world except me.

-EG: I heard alot of my so called friends, told me they wanna come to the showroom during the opening but only 1 person, Val whom even said a thousand times, she might not make it, appeared. The rest, I don't know. Cn't make it? Dead? Too busy? I don't know and I'm not inform. I m so familar with this feeling but I m sure I will nvr get use to it.

-I don't like it when you said you wanna come down to see me or thinking of, even if you think, as long as you told me, I will have hope and I meant, very high hopes to see you. If you didn appear, I get all upset and the betrayal feel comes again.

-I cn't stand it when you call me, your best friend and all the things you do, made me felt that I am nothing more than a stranger to you. I don't expect you to know my pain or feelings with a click. But the things you do make me feel merely, a stranger.

-Until now, there are only 2 person who completely understands me. And knows what I want. All the other ppl who called themselves my friend, they think they know me, eg: Ivy loves Manga, anime, Japan, Japanese food. All these, ppl who don even knw me long would know in an instant, becos it's not hard to hear me blah-ing away on those stuff.

-I tried to be a good friend to everyone. But I have my limits. And I think this time, I've reached for some ppl. Ppl whom I knw for so long, so long, don understand me lyk Val, whom I only met a year ago. I really can't help myself from comparing.



I m sorry if you are the one which I chose to give up (quite a few), I m tired of chasing after your 'shadow'. I'm tired of the feeling of emptiness when you are jus beside me. I m tired of hearing those promises tat are nvr coming true. I m tired of thinking what you want, what you need, i need jus one that understands.

Goodbye, my past. Goodbye, my blog. And goodbye to you whom I might be leaving from your life. Since I never felt I was a part of it anyway, so it doesn't really make a difference.