I m feeling so bloody damn emotional now... I know it just seems like a seriously wrong time for it... But I just can't help it... Val's the one to be blamed!!! For making me so emotional to the point of crying... (T_T)

So the story goes....

Me and Val was talking on the phone as usual... Well, nt usual anymore, since 'someone' got herself a bf... *Yes, I m jealous.... of her bf, can?* Well, we talk about random stuff, daily rountines and blah, blah, blah... Then, we on to the topic of the betrayal of her primary school bff *Remember my previous post???* I got into the mood and told her about my secondary bffs... They did left a very huge scar on me even though they will never know... They didn betray me or anything, but it jus seems tat way tat time and with everything building up, I decided to throw them all away... If I am not wrong, I didn tel anyone the full story of how I felt and why I decided to do it... It jus didn seem to be the right time and place to tell... So, this time I can finally like say it all out...

Val, you know wat? You're right... I've been bottling it up for so long tat I never managed to walk out of tat past... I m lyk stuck in that past, tat me, myself know tat even after all these years, I had been keep looking back to the time, I will jus keep turning my head back to remember the old times...

I keep telling Val, I don't understand why people who used to be so very close, can end up as pure strangers who act as though they never crossed paths??? Then I started crying abit... Maybe I am jus not a good friend for anybody. I thought I gave my all for a friend in a need but it turns out, I am not a friend indeed... Tat's why they left me.. I am scared of loneliness so I hung onto them with all my might, I wanna to know everything about them, I wanna them to understand everything about me. It seems so selfish but tat's the only way, I feel safe... Then, I decided to take a step back becos my selfishness caused me great pain. So, I pretended to be ok for everything, I never realli voiced my inner fears and desires to anyone anymore becos they might just throw it on the ground and step on it lyk it NOTB *none of their business*.... I am so scare of losing them and being so lonely.. I try not to force my likes on them... I am not me anymore. I still say what I think without thinking deeper but I've learn tat some things are not meant to be said out loud... I didn't know they left such a huge impact on me until Val pointed it out... I guess it's a fact tat I am trying to keep it hidden...

I am still having fun with Val and all the others who r still in my life. However, I m nt truly happy anymore.. I keep holding back whatever's inside me.. I really must learn to slowly let it go... Even if it jus 1% I also mus try to forget... Why can't I get into an accident or something so I can lost all these hurtful memories??? Val, please don't scold me again.. This is desperate calls for desperate measures... And you know how hard I m going through. I am stuck in it so much deeper so much more thn I don wanna believe... You know tat if I never really let it go, I cn nvr free myself totally... Can I?

Val, sorry I will not take your advices of totally cutting ties off with my primary school bffs becos it's nt their fault at all... I know you mean well becos they did remind me of 'them' since they have ties with 'them'. However, I have accepted the fact for so long and I will continue to accept it... I will not keep my distance with them *even though, I am now, for abit due to your 'great' influence.* Please, you don't know them, it's the same if they say bad things about you becos they don't know you. I would be angry either ways...

People come and go in our life, those who stayed behind are the ones we should cherish, those who left, we should jus give them our blessing and move on, however, what we should really do is to erase them from our mind & heart especially those who left wounds behind...