Really wanna do a post cos today is 09/09/09...

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Please don't say that I can rely on you because it will just make my greed grows.

Thanks for cheering me up when my soulmate starts giving up on our 'long distance relationship', it just seems that even a person whom I thought was a soulmate can never be trust too.

Stop being there when I need somebody because it's time I grow up and learn the fact that no one can be trusted and be there for me forever.

I only wanted stars but all I get are street lights, they are there only when electricity is available and easily destroyed.

Stop telling me that you will be there for me whenever I need you because everyone gave me that promise but has also broken it umpteen times. Until when I really needed someone, there is no one to turn to.

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Because of you, I can't open my heart to trust anyone anymore even with people whom I thought I was close to.

Because of you, I learn to lie to myself that everything is going to be fine when it's not.

Because of you, I thought my life would be a bed of roses, forgetting that the thorns underneath is going to cut me so deep that it leaves wounds that can never be heal.

Because of you, I learn to put a fake smile to cover the fact that I am happy when I am not, laughing when I am crying deep down.

Because of you, everything is not going to be alright, everyone seems so far away from me.

Because of you, I've forgotten how to love someone wholeheartedly.

Because of you, I started to live in the past where smiles and laughter are genuine and can no longer face reality.

Because of you, I thought real distance is never going to be a hurdle for us, however it seems that time & distance really changes a person's feeling.


Why must you do this to me?
Why am I always the one that never learns that no one will really understand you even if they are blood-related?
Why does happiness seems so impossible and darkness is so near?
Why do I have to laugh when I am upset, say I am totally alright when I am totally not, give concern to others when I am the one who needs the most and be sensible when I am totally not?
Why do you have to leave?
Why can't live in a fairytale book where happy endings existed?
Why is there no one that really understands me?
Why am I born as me?
Why disappointments makes my wounds deeper and empty promises makes breathing harder?
Why happy moments is always the beginning of lies, hurt and betrayal?

Do you know how I felt when I saw your last email to me?
Do you know you mean alot to me?
Do you know that this post may keep growing as long as I am immerse in my memories with you?
Do you know you mean the whole world to be even when you are far away, even when our time together is really really short?
Do you know that I work so hard keeping myself alive, reason being because I believe that I will get to be with you again someday even if the wait is going to be very, very long?
Do you know that the promise that you said to me before you are leaving are still so fresh in my memory?
Do you know that is all your words and memories that you gave me kept me from dying of loneliness?
Do you know that all the words that you said to me is what kept me from thinking that everyone in this world is nothing but air, because none of them really cared about me?
Do you know how many tears I have wasted just because of that few sentences?
Do you know that tears just suddenly roll down whenever I remember that you don't want me anymore?
Do you know I already had enough of living, I don't know who is really there for me anymore?
Do you know how many times I am hurt by friends like how you did?
Do you know how I wished you could have lied to me but not tell me the ugly truth??

Liar, you said you will be here for me when I need you but you are just another one to abandon me.
Liar, you painted so many beautiful dreams of us in the future but all of them are jus gonna end up being dreams forever.
Liar, you said I will never be alone again even if you are not with me physically.
Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar, Liar........... Why is my world made up with tons of lies and more lies.....

I really misses you. Can you come back to me? No, you never will.

I am not going to be ok. I thought time would really heal my wounds and delete unhappy memories but it doesn't. Everything just grows and grows.
Have you seen a person who cries not from laughing during a comedy? I think I am the first one.
Even in my dreams, you never appeared and I thought it's because I can finally let go of this friendship that has disappoint me once again but when I woke up, it just gets back on my mind until I am just a body without a soul.
Now when I really really need someone, just anyone. No one comes to mind because I am already too afraid to face the same whole issue all over again. That, I am a happy girl leading a happy life, actual fact is there is no one that is really there. All and all, I am still going to be alone forever.
Someone told me, since you can't rely on a person forever then rely on different people on different periods and eventually, you will reach 'forever'. However, I said I cannot be that way because a friend means a hope for me, one loss means one hope gone. Maybe to others, it's totally fine but to me, a burst hope means a lesser hope towards life and a lesser will to live.
I am not going to face this world or anyone with true feelings anymore. The lesser hope you hold, the less amount of hurt and disappointment you get. I am never going to trust anyone anymore.