who can i turn to when I am really down? No one. Nobody understands no matter how much understand they say. Only me the person involved feel all the sadness and pain. If life is so fragile, i won't mind seeing myself in hell soon. What is normal? I keep asking myself so I decided to look up the dictionary.
Psychology.
a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.

What is a normal personality? Is there something called an abnormal personality? I want to have a normal life. What is normal again? There's really no exact definition for normal. My head hurts, breathing has never been this hard. I used to believe in God, someone 'unreal' when you have no one else to turn to. However, as I grow up, God has never answered to even my slightest wish. Crying, shouting, screaming, or any other way doesn't seem to get my message across to it. Despair is not something everyone has really experience. If you think your lover dumping you is throwing you in despair then you really don noe what the true meaning of despair is. Despair is when you got no one there for you, no hope, nothing. It's like drowning in the ocean with nothing around, not even a stick. The more you shout and move, most likely you will die even faster. People always exaggerated what they feel and say, I think I am the same. Everyone look at the same thing different ways. I used to envy my penpal who lived in New Zealand and I still do. Living on a farm, always having picnics on the grassland, fresh air, stress-free environment, sleeping under a whole sky of stars. Something that me as a city girl would never have had. It may seem simple but so impossible. No one will ALWAYS be there for you even if they are blood-related. Investing in friends is like investing in stocks these days, they are like the roller coaster, sometimes with you and when they decided to betray you, the heavier your investment is, the more it's going to kill you. 'Once bitten, twice shy' doesn't seem to work on me. Because I always made my heavy investment in 'friends', but all I get is just another betrayal, just another heartache, and just another person making a fool out of me. All tat small rewards is nothing compared to the loss although it made me really happy when I got the rewards. You never try you never know, right? And maybe this next person would be my next soulmate, I always convinced myself tat way. At least, it makes me feel better for being a fool again. I always tell people if you don't say I will never know but when it comes to me, I am the same too, hoping to get concern without lifting a finger or maybe a word. I don have the habit of grabbing a person and say: 'Hey, I am bothered! Talk to me!'. That's just plain stupid and annoying. The truth is I have given up with this current life on mine, so, GOD! IF YOU HEAR OR SEE THIS, I DON'T MIND DYING STRANGELY OR UGLY, YOU 'CANNOT NOT MAKE IT' IN THE GIVING HOPE SECTION, MAYBE YOU CAN DO BETTER IN TAKING LIFE AWAY! I don want to purposely kill myself because it's unfair to me. Why do I have to do everything myself when I am not the one who chose this idiotic and depressing life? I am not the type of person who take thing as it is, i won't put any effort for nothing I have asked for or wanted. Yes, I sleep thinking why am I, me, this person, this life? Yes, I blame everyone else but not myself for everything that has happened. However, I will never try to improve this life, it's too tiring and fate is too hard to get along with. I have always been 'selling fish' Is this counted as depression? Wanting to kill oneself. The end of suffering is NOT happiness. And happiness is certainly not there if the goddess of fate never smiled at you.... I finally understand why people cut themselves. Because it's onli when seeing that red blood still flows in your body, as an evidence of the fact of being alive. It's not painful, if you really felt hopeless, pain and tears is just a daily routine and has nothing to do with living. I don wan to be the older one at home, i don wan responsibilities, I don wan to grow up, I don wan to lie to myself that I am happy when I am totally not. Why can't I just live in a world where friends are always there and true, family is my source of happiness and comfort, where lies and empty promises cannot be heard, where I can finally enjoy happiness, where tears are made of laughter not sadness. Grant me, my death will, because there's nothing in this world that is worth surviving for, no one remember me for who I am, anything just seem so pointless to do. I welcome all my enemies to curse me, if you can kill me, it would be even better....